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Family

Are we our parent’s children?


I cannot remember the exact moment that I first remember stopping myself in mid-sentence realising that the words coming out of my mouth sounded so familiar! Oh my word, had we not promised ourselves, long before having children, that we would never parent in the same manner as our parents. However, here I am, two children later, sounding more and more like my parents each day.

It seems as if nature has quite a strange sense of humour because if memory serves all those idle threats did not work on me growing up. Why now would I expect it to work on my children? The most vivid memory I have is travelling in the car, behaving badly, my Dad promising to stop the car and sort the situation out. Did he ever carry through the threat, no, but I remember this happening quite often.

How often do we find ourselves saying things that we know are not plausible but it seems as if the wiring in our brain has been tampered with, because we say them anyway. My favourite was when I was misbehaving, my mother saying; “just you wait until your father comes home, he’ll sort it out”. Now for those of you who have tried this, it does not work and it just creates more problems. Who wants to come home and be faced with a monologue of how naughty the children have been and then having to deal with it.

The conclusion I draw from this is, regardless of how passionately we try and deny it, we do adopt a certain amount of our parents, parenting methods.  Can we change this cycle of mirrored parenting? I think that there is a certain amount we can control but genes and years of habituation, make change fairly difficult.

We are after all “our parent’s children”.

Daddy’s Footsteps 

~Author Unknown~ 

“Walk a little slower, Daddy”,
Said a little child so small.
“I’m following in your footsteps,
And I don’t want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast,
Sometimes they’re hard to see;
So walk a little slower, Daddy,
For you are leading me.

Someday when I’m all grown up,
You’re what I want to be;
Then I will have a little child
Who’ll want to follow me.
And I would want to lead just right,

And know that I was true;
So, walk a little slower, Daddy,
For I must follow you.”





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Family

Managing Expectations

I find that if I am not managing my own expectations, I am managing my families expectations. Which is something that is easier said than done.

Firstly we need to understand why we place such high expectations on ourselves. It could be to obtain the approval and acceptance of others or to feel happy and fulfilled. Although expectations can be a positive influence, too much of anything is not good and unrealistic expectations can have a negative impact on our lives.


I find myself asking, where do these pressures come from; ourselves largely, but there are definitely outside influences. Our family and peers can place expectations on us in relation to how we dress, where we live, who we marry etc. Teachers can play a big role in the pressure that is placed on our children and it is definitely something I have been aware of since my girls started grade school. Parents can also play a part in the unrealistic expectations that are placed on their children. As adults we put pressure on ourselves and strive for achievement and success. The media and society also put pressure on woman and young girls to look a certain way and this can lead to anorexia and bulimia. The scary reality is girls as young as nine are being diagnosed with these eating disorders.



 Why do we expect so much? Possibly because we just want the best for ourselves and others. Something which never occurred to me until now, is that perhaps, as parents we do it because we are trying to live through our children’s experiences. To fulfill a dream that we had as a child, like learning to play piano or being captain of a team.


My concern is what affect this will have on my children. You hear of more and more cases of childhood depression and anxiety. If we place too much pressure on our children and they do not succeed this can lead to low self esteem. Therefore realistic expectations of both the person and the situation are a better idea.






So it becomes a balancing act, of encouraging a realistic amount of expectation and not losing sight of the other aspects of our lives. It boils down to the enjoyment as well as the reward and helping our children understand that life is not a race, that you have to win at all costs. That there is a relevant time for everything in life. We are already faced with bringing our children up in this fast paced ‘winner takes all’ world, so why put undue pressure on them and ourselves. Give yourself a break, look after yourself  and your family and take time out to enjoy yourself along the way.





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Family

The Small Stuff


Along the journey, of life, we all find ourselves having to deal with tough situations, be it in our personal or professional lives. After reading a very ‘small book’, titled “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” by Richard Carlson, I have started to question the issues I face in my life.

I guess the most difficult thing to decide is exactly what the ‘small stuff’ is and what is deserving of our time and energy. My biggest nemesis is worry and not to forget self-doubt.  I find myself spending worthless energy worrying about what people think and if I actually am good enough.

These feelings were very much brought to light when I had my first child. My perfectionist, A-Type, personality kicked into over drive. I questioned not only my ability to parent but my self- worth as a mother.

After 10 rather maturing years I am learning to discern what the important issues are.  No I do not get it right every time but my success rate is definitely improving! I have had to stop myself trying to fix everything and everyone. The prayer of serenity comes to mind: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

So we find ourselves with all these conflicting messages. Society is dictating ‘the faster the better’ but deep down we know this is not the right answer, that everything does not have to be perfect all the time and we do not have to achieve status and success at all costs. If we could just get off the roller coaster of life long enough to appreciate what is right in front of us and not look at what we don’t have, then life would be so much for fulfilling.

This is a very prominent issue in our household at the moment. Having two girls who are rather competitive, I find myself constantly having to be the mediator. They are fairly close in age and compare everything they have or get. My first instinct was to buy them all the same things but as you know this is neither practical nor easy to do. So what do we do? Constantly put out fires or rather try and teach them to appreciate what they have and not dwell on what they don’t have. This is indisputably the hardest issue to deal with, but in my opinion, one of high importance. I believe that if we get the message across now when they are young, it will make the transition into adulthood that much smoother.

One of the main areas that I am finding this practice useful is during conflict. I have needed to learn when to fight and when to walk away, especially in these pubescent pre-teen years. The most interesting thing is that it is often more difficult to walk away from the dispute than to engage in it. Once engaged however, I have found that in the conflict one inflicts too much hurt and the consequences outweigh the outcome. So yes, just walk away, and it is amazing after the dust has settled, how it all just seems so insignificant.

In the process we may find that our feathers are ruffled and we are forced out of our comfort zone, which is usually a place of control. In this struggle for control we need to accept that children are often just trying to assert themselves – a skill which they will need later on in life.

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. I am not condoning disrespect, but it is often in our reactions to situations, that our children learn how to deal with issues. So pick your fight wisely. We may all come out the other end with a few battle scars but is it not more important to at least enjoy the journey and not spend it fighting or “Sweating the Small Stuff”.


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Family

Love this!

I loved this article.  It really makes you think about how much you actually say with your facial expressions. To read the full post go to the link below:

Becoming a Better Mother: the expression I wear

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Family

Becoming a better You

 

 


I found these words of wisdom on a blog called Delighting in the Days:

 

Get enough rest
Feed your body good food
Feed your soul God’s word
Take time to do something you love
Find a moment to be alone (Give those ears a rest from the constant chatter).
Exercise your body.
Nurture your relationship with your husband.

 Most of these things we already know, but how much of it do we put into practice into our day to day lives. So my challenge for you today is try and do at least one of these things per day and see if it makes a difference in your life. Lets face it, we can all use a bit of help being a better “YOU”.



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Meet Fiona Rossiter

Hi, I am Fiona Rossiter, from Cape Town, the writer and photographer behind Inspired Living SA Blog. If you love good Food and Wine, reading amazing Travel Adventures, keeping Fit and Healthy, as well following Decor Trends – then Inspired Living SA is just the place for you! Read More…

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