Children – To Bribe or not to bribe

To bribe or not to bribe? That is the question. Bribery poses rather an ethical dilemma and can be a rather negative tool if used incorrectly.

Most parents, would flatly deny that they have ever bribed their children but we know better. You just have to observe parents in a supermarket to see them in action, offering a host of unsavoury items to placate their children. I have witnessed a child eat a combination of Vienna sausages and marshmallows and all this in the name of sanity. I do admit, that I too have found myself in this predicament at times. Most parents of younger children arrive sheepishly at the cash out point with a variety of opened, half eaten items, either that or anarchy.

Not to mention what can occur on transatlantic flights, it all comes down to keeping your children happy and quiet and not disturbing the rest of the passengers.

So yes, I am willing to admit that using a bribe can be a useful tool but as children get older, we as parents may need to rethink this practice. Especially when it comes to bribing children to get good grades, a very tempting thought but something that could backfire.

I think that the use of rewards and consequences can have a more positive effect on our children. However, both rewards and consequences need to be modified, to suit both the age of the child and the situation at hand. The reward must match the behaviour. Giving a child a Nintendo game or something similar for wining a sports match is not setting a good precedent. This will teach our children to put the incorrect value on basic functions. Using a fun activity like a trip to the beach or the park as a reward may be better, than something of material value.

I also believe that certain things in life should be common practice and do not warrant rewards. Good manners and good behaviour should not come at a price, if they are not adhered to there should be rather be consequences. We do not want to find ourselves in the situation that after every good deed a child expects something in return.

Using personal goals for older children can be far better than using material rewards, teaching them that validation does not come with a price tag. We would like to in still in our children, that the reward for hard work is success and achievement and does not always have to be material.

What method do you prescribe to and do you find it difficult not to bribe for your own gain?

Children, Family, Mothers, Parenting, Parenting Advice

Just Call Me Mom

I have always had a strong belief in self -preservation but who am I kidding! Once you have stepped over to the “other side”, what the professionals like to call motherhood, life as you knew it is over.

Apart from the ever increasing waist line, stretch marks and the savage reality of wrinkles or “fine- lines”, as the media calls it, when can you remember the last occasion you actually managed to complete a train of thought, never mind a conversation with another adult? I have vague memories of actually sitting down to eat lunch, which consisted of more than a just a handful of nuts and biltong sticks, on the run. Your brain is just not tuned the way it used to be. I remember reading about a condition known as ‘porridge-brain’, experienced during pregnancy; what they failed to mention is that this condition is permanent. I guess a great deal of these things can be attributed to age but I am not convinced.

The rather sad realisation is that up until a few months ago I was still convinced that someday, I would be able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothing. Maybe it’s the fact that I am approaching 40, with what seems to be the speed of a bullet train, but my perspective on life has changed somewhat. The thought of aging or the fact that I will probably never again fit into those size 30 jeans, is no longer of extreme importance to me.

So the reality that I am faced with is that my life is definitely on a different course. The things I previously wanted have morphed into a deep-seated desire to see my children happy and successful. Yes, I guess, I have gained a completely selfless outlook. OK, in all honesty not completely selfless but I am working on it.

The big question is, am I happy with this new reformed version of me? The young vivacious 20 year old, inside is screaming “hell no” but the mother of two knows better. Like an animal in the wild I have adapted to my surroundings. It certainly does not mean that I have lost sight of my dreams and desires but I have had to alter the vision for my life to include that of my family. Although I would still love to be carefree and self-indulgent, I have a family and they depend on me. I need to be wife and a mother first and hopefully the rest will fall into place.

So just call me Mom!

Family, Mothers

What Kind of a Mom Are You?

The Homemaker: You are always encouraging and caring. You all most never put yourself first and strive to be the perfect homemaker. You go out of your way to make others feel good. You are a domestic goddess and your home always smells like freshly baked goodies.

Your attributes: You succeed in making your children feel loved and cared for. You are fun and engaging and your children thrive on this. You are self-sacrificing. Your home is always warm and inviting.

The New Age Mom: You are trendy and hip. All your children’s friends love being around you. You are more of a friend or sister to your children than a mother figure.

Your attributes: You make your children feel loved and accepted for who they are. Your children can confide in you with ease. You are “Sex in the City” meets “Desperate Housewives”.

The Liberated Mom: You like to have your own space and you encourage your children to have theirs. You promote independence in your family and you urge your children to experience life. You certainly do not do packed lunches and your children pack their own school bags.

Your attributes: You allow your children the freedom to make their own decisions and in turn learn from their mistakes. Your children are independent and self- sufficient. You make time for yourself and your own interests.

The Structured Mom: Your home runs with military precision; you thrive on routine and structure. Everything you do is with purpose and the end goal in mind. You manage to juggle your routine and your families with complete ease.

Your attributes: Nothing ever fazes you; you seem to have a solution to any problem. Your home is always pristine and you never leave the house without make up. You are competitive and expect a great deal from your children.

The ‘Good enough’ Mom: What I like to call ‘The Hybrid’, you are little bit of each of these personalities. Although you would love to be the perfect Mom, there are just not enough hours in the day to do it all.

Your attributes: You are who you are and if that’s not good enough, then too bad. You get it right most of the time and you do what you have to, to maintain your sanity. Who needs perfection anyway!

Family, FAR Photography, Fathers, Parenting

Fathers Day Tribute

Having lost my own Father, just over a year ago makes this time of celebration, bitter-sweet. It is in the memories that we are made to reflect on our own experiences and the relationship we have had, with this all important person in our life.

For my girls their Dad is an integral part of everything they do, they always look to him for acceptance and affirmation. He is always there as a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and a comedian to make them laugh. I do not think that one can under-estimate the influence that their Dad has on their lives. That is why it is so important to always encourage a strong Father – Daughter relationship.

Whether you call him Father or Dad it is all the same, he can mean so many things to different people. Today we reflect on what makes him so wonderful:

What Makes A Dad

“God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle’s flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it … Dad”

~ Author Unknown

Today we want to say thank you to all these strong and generous Fathers in our lives, some have more than just one. You mean so much to us and words can never do justice to all we want to convey.

A FATHER MEANS…

“A Father means so many things…
An understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
A constant readiness to help
In a kind and thoughtful way.
With encouragement and forgiveness
No matter what comes your way.
A special generosity and always affection, too
A Father means so many things
When he’s a man like you…”
~Author Unknown~

A fathers love is eternal and lives on in the hope and dreams of his children. [box] Colossians 3:14 “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”[/box]

A Message To Our Special Dad:

“To Dad – thank you for loving me and caring for me! All my love Jessi”

“Dear Dad – I hope you have a great Fathers Day and may everyday be as special as today! All my love Alli”

Happy Fathers Day!

Children, Family, Parenting

But Mom….

Recently I have found myself rather frustrated when trying to communicate with my two girls. They are 7 and 10 years old, which would lead you to believe, that by now they should have developed outstanding listening skills. However, to my disappointment, it seems that this is not the case.

When trying to get their attention, I mostly receive a rather blank stare or a reply that starts with “but Mom”, followed by some explanation as to why they are not able to listen at that particular moment. So I find myself searching for other methods to communicate with them. By now I must admit that raising your voice or “shouting”, as my eldest calls it and believe me it is not shouting, comes to no avail.

What I do realise, is that they would rather be somewhere else than having to listen to me lecturing them on the merits of cleaning their room or studying, for that very important test. It is however, vitally important that we are able to communicate openly and effectively with our children, especially as they approach the delicate teenage years.

During their earlier years of development I pretty much read all the parenting books on offer, especially those dealing with sleep methods. As my Paediatrician, at the time, pointed out, by the time you have tried all the methods and remedies on hand they should be sleeping through. Whether this is due to you, discovering the right sleep methods or your child simply forming a good sleep pattern on their own, is something you will probably never know. I guess this could be said for so many other parenting challenges we may face.

The further along the parenting road I travel; I am starting to think that if we are patient enough, our children will develop certain skills on their own without our assistance. However being the loving parent I am, I still feel the need to assist their every step. I am speaking from my own experiences and this probably will not apply to some.

So here I am again scouring all the resources available to me and the most common advice that I have come across, is listen to your children. Every fibre of my being is questioning this statement, how can I listen to them if they are not listening to me? Yes I do realise how child–like that may sound but I am sure you are probably wondering the same thing. I guess that in essence if you listen to them, you may better understand where they are coming from and more easily find the solution to the issue.

I have found that to achieve any meaningful level of communication I have to remain calm and most importantly make eye–contact with the girls. This is probably the most vital part of knowing, that what you are saying is actually being received and understood. I understand this approach is not always the easiest or most practical but, in my opinion, achieves far greater results.

I have found some interesting advice on the subject, on a web site, that expands on what I have discussed and gives practical methods to help you communicate with your child. For example: you should address your child by their name, keep your instructions short and to the point and always ask them to repeat the instruction back to you, to ascertain whether they are taking it on board. Follow this link to read further: 25 WAYS TO TALK SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL LISTEN.

Some of these methods do apply to younger children but you can easily adapt it to your situation or need. I understand that most of the advice sounds so simple but perhaps it is in the simple things that we find the solutions.

I would love to hear any comments or advice you may have, on this or other parenting challenges you have experienced.