Family - Inspired Living SA

Are you a positive parent?

Is it possible to be positive all of the time? This is a concept that I struggle with, to start with I am a rather introspective person and people often view this as being moody or negative. Well I guess that is just too bad because that is who I am – I guess I am what you would call a “thinker”. I like to evaluate life!

Please do not get me wrong, I am not saying that it is cool to be miserable all the time but we need to strike a balance. I would love to be perky and bubbly all day long but that is not reality!

Especially as parents – are we meant to be positive and encouraging 24/7, what happens if we have a bad day? Do we hide our feelings and just put on a “happy face”? I think not, our children need to understand, and that even their parents have bad days and that we are in fact human.

I guess the key to striking a balance, is to know how to handle yourself in each situation and if for some reason you do go “postal” and lose the plot, you explain your irrational behaviour. We also need to teach our children how to manage their emotions, that if they do throw a tantrum or get angry they need to discuss their feelings and apologize if necessary.

My poor husband lives with three females, needless to say the emotions can run high in our house, especially with hormones flying around but he has learnt to deal with us and all our emotional idiosyncrasies. Believe me it can get ugly sometimes and me not being a morning person does not help. “Boys” are just not as complicated as “girls” and that I am afraid is life.

So to get back to my discussion, whilst I think it is vital to be optimistic and upbeat, it is impossible, for me, to be “postive” all of the time.

I think that positive is good but real is important!

I would love to hear any feedback you have on this subject, just leave a comment below !

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Be Inspired, Family, Quotes

Family Life – "In Our Home"

I loved this so much -very cute! I could not resist sharing it, it’s what we all want for “our family”!

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Family, Parenting

Guilt Free Parenting – Why Do We Feel So Guilty?

Guilt Free Parenting

Lately I have found that the word “guilt”, seems to be largely associated with the act of parenting; I have come across a few articles recently about this very association. Strangely enough they actually should have nothing in common but still we keep hearing about how guilty parents feel about : “ not spending enough quality time with their children”, “not participating in school events or functions”, “not giving equal attention to each child”… and so the list goes on.

So firstly let us look at the dictionary definition of the word “guilt” – “an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret”. “OMW” 🙁 this does not sound like a healthy mind set for someone trying to parent children.

The big question is, why are we feeling so much guilt and are we passing the “Guilt Gene” onto our children? I sincerely hope not because the last thing I want is my children growing up, with such a negative outlook.

If I think back to my early days of motherhood, I can remember feeling completely overwhelmed by the responsibility I had for this young life – if you let it, this can turn into feelings of guilt, inadequacy and even depression. We might not realise it but we may harbour feelings of regret or guilt from our own childhood and this can often manifest, in a damaging way in our own parenting.

So what can we do to stop this pattern from occurring in our lives? How can we practice Guilt Free Parenting? I think, essentially we need to say NO to guilt! Which brings me back to an article I read many years ago, I cannot tell you who wrote it but the essence is: you need to practice “good enough parenting”. This sounds like such an easy concept but think about it – you actually need to learn how to say “no”. That means not over committing yourself – which can be hard for many of us to do, especially moms. Stop being a people pleaser – ask me, I know I am one, stop trying to be everything to everybody! This includes your children. I need to remind myself, that I do not always have to give in to everything they want and I need to say no sometimes and yes – not feel guilty about it.

This clearly is something I know I need to work on – so let’s say it together “I will banish the guilt!” 😀 Stop trying so hard and being so hard on yourself -stop the blame game – let it go and just be free from it!

A few books on the topic of Guilt Free Parenting which could be helpful to read:

“Guilt-Free Motherhood: Parenting with Godly Wisdom”- by Julianna Slattery
“Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, & Raise Happier Kids”- by Julie Bort, Aviva Pflock and Devra Renner MSW
“The Balanced Mom: Raising Your Kids Without Losing Yourself”- by Bria Simpson
“Motherhood Without Guilt: Being The Best Mother You Can Be and Feeling Great About It”-by Debra Rosenberg

Children, Family, Parenting

Is your child a victim of bullying?

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Bullying is an age old issue which somehow still plagues us. In my naivety and positive optimism, I believe that the world truly can be a better place and that modern society has learnt how to co-exist peacefully. Only to be reminded by my darling husband that we are still surrounded by war, crime, violence and abuse. Needless to say, when you remove your head from the sand and take a good look around, this is very apparent.

As a mother, my first instinct is to protect my young, “I am a Lioness – hear me roar!!!” My love for my children is unconditional and I will protect my girls at all costs. So how do we as parents deal with bullying, which unfortunately is still alive and well in our schools. Experts in this field believe it is on the increase and has even evolved into cyber-bullying in some cases. Most schools have bullying policies in place but in my opinion, most of the confrontations go by unreported, as the victims of bullying are often too afraid to speak to anyone about their predicament. I find myself in a very uncomfortable position when faced with my child being the victim of any type of abuse. When do I get involved and just how much involvement is necessary?

I guess we first need to understand what it is that makes bullies do what they do – the nature of the ‘beast’ so to speak. The word ‘narcissistic’ comes to mind – someone with the need to have other people admire them and be the centre of attention at all costs. It has always been my understanding that bullies are cowards, who for whatever reason, need to be seen as important. Therefore by belittling others, they satisfy this need for self-importance. My question is: where does this need stem from and what can we, as parents, do to stop this cycle from occurring? Perhaps the parents of bullies are oblivious to what is happening or they are too afraid of confronting the problem. Some children may mimic the behaviour that their parents display at home, which manifests as intimidation. I do feel that the responsibly should lie with us as the parents and that all possible measures should be taken to root out these individuals, before the problem escalates out of control.

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As individuals no one wants to be singled out as being different or the odd one out and I think as parents we should be teaching our children how to treat one another. Something that I have tried to impress upon my girls from a young age is acceptance of others – especially people different from themselves. Even though you may think someone is different, that is your opinion and not something you need to voice. I always tell them to think before they speak and to think of the impact that their words or actions may have on the other person and how they would feel if someone said the same things to them. This is still a work in progress but I think they get the basic idea; no one is perfect and we have all said things that we regret.

I am both saddened and appalled that young children today are still subject to this type of abuse. Some of the actions associated with bullying include: intimidation, coercion, manipulation, criticism and aggression. These can lead to loneliness, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, the consequences of which can be devastating, causing violence or even suicide in severe cases. In my own experience with my girls, I have seen evidence of this anxiety and added stress. This is something that there is already so much of in the schooling environment, without other outside factors adding to it.

I think as parents we need to speak up for our children and empower them to take a stand against bullying in any way or form. Bullies need to understand that this behaviour at school will not be tolerated. I realise that it is a very delicate subject but maybe if people were more vocal about the need for stricter measures, children would be less inclined to inflict this behaviour on others.

We just need to reflect back, to the 1999 Columbine massacre, which linked the extreme violence displayed by these students, to years of being targeted as misfits and bullied by their peers. I know that this is an extreme case but we need to be aware that there can be dire consequences, if this type of intimidation if left unchecked. If it is not dealt with at this level these perpetrators simply carry this behaviour through into their adult lives, or we find victims of their abuse ultimately taking the ‘law’ into their own hands.

Warnings signs of abuse to look out for:

Coming home with signs of physical abuse: bruises, cuts, ripped clothing
Possessions and money going “missing”
Not getting on with previously good friends
Changes in mood: becoming bad tempered or quiet and withdrawn
Not wanting to go to school
Lack of appetite
Taking out frustrations on siblings or parents
Bad grades
Depression and anxiety

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No parent wants their child to exist in an unhealthy environment and I think we need to be more vigilant about speaking up and facing this issue head on. We need to address any situation which we think constitutes bullying and not be afraid of the consequences, because we are primarily responsible for the protection of our children. I think it is vitally important to let teachers or school counsellors know if any bullying is taking place, so that measures can be taken to deal with the situation.

If this avenue fails to resolve the problem then outside counseling can be helpful. Author Anne Cawood, who is also a registered social worker, has written a few books on boundaries for children, which could be helpful to read. She has a website “Boundaries Inc.” which also deals with the topic of bullying, especially in the Pre-school years – which is often when bullying starts.

Other recommended reads on the subject by Child Mag are:

“The Everything Parents Guide to Dealing with Bullies” by Deborah Carpenter, Published by Simon and Schuster (R176)
“When your Child is Bullied – An Essential Guide for Parents” by Jenny Alexander, Published by Simon and Schuster (R153)
“Letters to a Bullied Girl” by Olivia Gardner, Published by Harper Collins (R147)
“Bully Blocking “by Evelyn M.Field, Published by Finch Publishers (R220)

Be Inspired, Life

Living a measured existence

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of the word ‘existence’ is life. Without life we would not exist, this is a very simple concept to understand. This is not a discussion on creation versus evolution. It is just me trying to understand why I do things the way I do.

I have heard all the psychology behind living a happy and fulfilling life, but for some of us, “just living” is quite difficult. I guess what I am trying to say is that I would love to possess that ‘whatever happens’ – ‘devil may care’ attitude, but that just does not come naturally to me. Part of me thinks that being calculated and planned is far more practical and necessary to make my life work. However, there needs to be a lighter, brighter side to life as well.

I was always accused of being far too serious at school but there was a job that needed doing and I felt that my method of getting it done was a good one for me. Do not get me wrong, I did not have a miserable time at school but I took it fairly seriously.

How does this translate to my life today, as a wife and mother? I planned my wedding with great determination. I definitely planned my two children and am blessed to have them, knowing what some people have to go through just trying to conceive.

My husband would contest this, but I feel I am a realist and still take life fairly seriously. This is definitely apparent in my parenting methods. Not to say that I love the mundane routine of everyday life, but I am determined to be the best mother that I can be.

I was reading an article today on parenting teenagers, a phase of parenting which I am fast approaching. It stated that although teenagers require freedom, they still need firm boundaries. I feel that boundaries are a vital part of parenting and in most other areas of life too.

So where am I heading with this article? I guess that I would love not to have to plan and calculate everything I do, but I am not sure that it is in my nature to do otherwise. A friend mentioned the other day that one of the dads in her circle of friends, rolls around on the floor playing with his child. So my question begs, is this an age related thing or an inherent temperament, that we either do or do not have? In my opinion we parent as we are. If we are free and easy as people, it reflects in our parenting style. The control freaks like me, definitely have a harder time letting go, as we would like everything to be precise and we calculate all we do.

Does this calculated way of life have negative effects on our children or does it teach them to value life and all the opportunities afforded to them. Would I rather bring my child up without a care in the world, or rather to respect and care for themselves and the world around them? I guess, for me, definitely the latter. One of the things I am learning is that we cannot change who our children are but we can certainly influence who they become.

For me, leading a measured existence is almost a necessity rather than an option. It is in my nature and although I sometimes feel envious of those that can do it differently, I know that I have been created this way for a purpose. Be it to parent my children in a certain manner or some other equally important reason, it was preordained the moment I was born.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

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